How I overcame sadness and suicidal thoughts p.2

Posted by Moesha Clayborn on

You're back! That means you either loved the first one or you loved the first one! Lol.

Either way I'm glad you're back and I sincerely thank you for reading my posts.

So, if you are here and haven't read part I, stop and do that now. If you have... let's go.

Now please understand that I'm only sharing my story. I'm not giving any advice or stating to ignore any medical competence that God has graced us with. Suicide and depression is very real and if you're experiencing it please seek the help you need to become a better you.

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I've learned that the way I needed to find my identity and purpose was to seek the one who created me.

Many people assumed that since I was blessed to grow up with my parents together and married, had everything I needed and got what I wanted, obtained honor roll throughout my 12 years of school, got all the awards... etc etc.... they assumed that there's no way I could've been thinking of suicide or experienced sadness.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for the life that my parents worked to build and to set me in the right direction. Not just financially, but mentally, emotionally, and definitely spiritually, but it was always something missing that my parents couldn't obtain for me.

My identity. Sleeping with someone else's boyfriend couldn't and didn't help me find it. Smoking was a temporary feel to hide the fact that I didn't know how to find myself and the drinking was disgusting, but it made me forget about the struggle for a moment.

See, this is why finding and loving yourself before the relationship, the riches, the fame you desire, and etc... it's important to find YOU first. Anything else will only push you further away from who you truly are.

Although I was blessed, I didn't know who I was. I feared to not be like everyone else because I mean, it's lonely riding the bus alone right ? Right.

I was a total mess and it was slowly killing me to not be who I was created to be. I've looked at plenty of pill bottles and wondered what would happen if I emptied them.

When you feel as if you're just a walking brain in the wrong place and body you'll attempt to find out how to feel alive.

I never mentioned my sadness or suicidal thoughts. I really didn't know how to express that I was a mess of a human that was in a complete abyss.

God will do a 360 in your life just to get you on track. Although I didn't understand why his conception of having my mother pass would be his choice of getting my attention.... did he not know that only made it worse? I hit complete rock bottom at this time and still today I can't quite figure out how I'm not dead, with a child from a lustful relationship, or just completely over it. I can't grip onto how he grabbed me out of my mess.

But I don't want you to leave this blog post with temporary adrenaline that may only last a few days. I want you to see the miracle God can do by the the evidence in my life.

Stop sugarcoating your pain and call it as it is. See, we can't truly experience healing until we acknowledge that we need to be healed & until we call out what should be healed.

We're in a world that displays pure perfection and sadly we are hypnotized into it.

There is no perfection. There's progression.

It's a horrible feeling to wake up everyday and wishing you hadn't.

As I stated in part I, growth requires change.

I'm here to tell you that after going through a dark time of opening medicine cabinets wondering what the overdose would do, picking up a knife while shaking tremendously, wondering if the weed I smoked would be spiked and take me out, hoping out of bed with someone else's boyfriend only to feel even more broken not knowing that I'd caused the pain of a beautiful woman by accommodating in her heartbreak, but truly I couldn't see past my own mess. So thinking of someone else wasn't possible at the time.

After all that, I'm here to tell you that suicide wasn't the answer and after being sick and tired I started putting myself above everyone.

Take time to put your needs before others. No it's not selfish, it's needed for your healing. I learned that it's okay to say NO. It's okay to live my life how I desire to live my life. It's okay to do the things I love and not give anyone an explanation for it.

If anything affects my ability to keep my sanity or peace, I immediately put a break on it.

Do what is needed for your sanity and peace with no explanation needed.

My prayer for you:

I pray that you find peace in the mist of your pain. I pray that your faith grows and your relationship with Christ flourishes and blooms. I pray that if you’re on the edge and thinking suicide or sunk into depression that you find Godly wise help if needed and that God covers you with strength to fight the battle. Know that although you may seem alone, you’re not. 

I pray that you are the generational curse breaker for the spirit of depression or sadness or suicidal thoughts. I pray that your story will be freedom for others and I pray that when you look in the mirror, you genuinely see Gods grace and the beauty he has created in you and through you. 

In Jesus name,

Amen. 


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